Dealing with Narcissists: Understanding the Hoovering Strategy and How to Respond
Narcissists are known for their manipulative tactics, often employing a method called 'hoovering' to further their control over their victims. But what motivates a narcissist to engage in this behavior, and what can you do to respond effectively?
The Psychology Behind Narcissist Behavior
Narcissists are individuals who have an inflated sense of self-importance and an intense need for admiration. They often use their charm and manipulation to get what they want from others. One of their key tactics is 'hoovering,' which involves contacting a person to reaffirm their importance and diminish their victim’s confidence.
Narcissists care little about the truth or facts. They know exactly what they have done but often choose to manipulate the victims into chasing them and collecting proof. They often commit many more wrongdoings and utter countless lies, knowing their victims will be driven to uncover just a few to confront them. This relentless pursuit and chase are what nourish their supply and feed their ego. They enjoy the game of making their victims feel crazy and addicted to playing detective and searching for proof.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
When toxic individuals engage in hoovering, they are often seeking to gauge whether their victims will still endure the abuse. Just like a virus, a narcissist’s behavior can adapt to ensure its survival. If a victim stays and tolerates the abuse, it can serve as an ego boost and even encourage them to escalate the abuse in return. Narcissists always push the boundaries to see how far they can go.
An important aspect of hoovering is the false promises that narcissists make. They present themselves as better versions of themselves, promising to change or act differently to gain the trust and forgiveness of their victims. However, when these promises are not kept, it only escalates the chaos and manipulation. This tactic allows the narcissist to control the narrative and keep the victim deluded, adding further layers of complexity to the abuse.
Breaking the Cycle of Hoovering
It's crucial to understand that hoovering is not about understanding or fixing the situation; it is about maintaining control. Instead of trying to understand or validate the reasons for the hoovering, it is more constructive to remove emotions and focus on the facts. Gather any available evidence, understand the pattern of behavior, and recognize that hoovering is a tactic designed to keep you on edge and dependent.
A narcissist’s false promises are made with the intent of making their victims trust and depend on them. However, breaking the cycle of hoovering requires a clear and focused strategy. Here are some steps you can take:
Confront the Behavior: It's important to clearly and consistently communicate your boundaries and discomfort. Let the narcissist know that their behavior is unacceptable and that it will not be tolerated. Stay Calm and Empowered: Avoid playing their games and remain calm. Understanding the psychological motives behind their hoovering can help you stay grounded and make rational decisions. Implement NO Contact: Limit or completely cut off contact with the narcissist. This can be one of the most effective ways to break the hoovering cycle and prevent them from gaining the upper hand. Seek Support and Guidance: Consider reaching out to friends, family, or professionals for support. Understanding that you are not alone in dealing with a narcissist can provide emotional and practical help.Conclusion
Narcissists use hoovering as a tool to test their victim's loyalty and manipulate them further. Their false promises serve to keep you engaged in a perpetual state of confusion and chaos. By understanding the psychology behind hoovering and taking strategic steps, you can protect yourself from their manipulations and break the cycle of abuse.